TRIGGER WARNING: eating disorders, hateful thoughts, general angst
For the past year or so, I have allowed myself to feed into my need to attention by spending hours browsing information on eating disorders. I looked at tips to lose weight, I stared at pictures of twig thin girls, I even started my own blog to “track my progress”. You see, I WANTED and eating disorder.
I wanted the attention that came with being so thin that people noticed. I wanted the followers that came with being “sick enough”. I desperately wanted to fit in with a community that did nothing for me. I knew, and still know, that eating disorders are not something that people choose. I know that eating disorders are debilitating illnesses that take lives every single day, but I wanted to be sick.
Over the past 3 or 4 months, it has been getting better. I have been trying very hard to be okay with being healthy. I am trying to change my pattern, but sometimes it is difficult. Something that offered me the comfort of being pulled down into the darkness still calls out to me from time to time. Tonight for instance, I find myself on tumblr. I don’t search directly for things like “pro-ana” or “ED”; I look at recovery blogs. I look at girls that were sick (and usually still are) but are attempting to “better themselves”. Their lifestyles are usually still skewed in the direction of disordered, but It can be masked as health.
I still feel the itch that the ED community offers me, and tonight I might scratch it, but I will not let it absorb my life like it did last summer. I promise myself that.